Lee

blue_royal @ 2004-08-03T04:28:00

2004-08-03T09:30:00Z

I went a whole day without getting on lj and it felt damn good. Usually I spend the majority of my waking hours obsessing over it, except on the days when I'm pretending I have a life, but today was different. I've decided to give it up for good. I think it would be healthier for me to spend less time online. I get less sleep when I dont. So yeah, I'm turning this bitch off tomorrow. Will I ever get a new one? No.

I'm going crazy.

2004-07-26T08:50:04Z

This current user pic is very recent. I believe its about 25 minutes old. Despite its newness, I feel like I've taken it before. I wanna live in the moment. I'd like to do it now. NOW!..am I doing it now? How about now?

blue_royal @ 2004-07-25T02:05:00

2004-07-25T07:06:39Z

I'm a happy man. Tonight was good. Must sleep now.

I'm so flawed.

2004-07-24T10:31:21Z

I feel like writing some more. Yes, this is a rare feeling. I don't have anything in particular to say...ha! I'd like to write something deep, but I'm not a deep person. I think the most important thing a person can have in their lives is a bottle of rum or a friend who understands them. Enough of that nonsense. Another thought just occured. Girls are so complicated and I'd like to say crazy too. I hope I didn't offend anyone who is a girl, but I just don't get them. I love them though...some of them. I think what I yearn for the most is a woman. Yep, someone much older than me, and more crystalized. You know what, scratch that. Age aint nothing but a number. It doesn't matter how old this woman (18 and up), is as long as she is wise. Ohh god, I think women are so sexy and so mysterious. I think of them as something as complicated as the engravings of some unknown language, on a priceless alien artifact brought back by NASA, from the planet Mars, that should be studied long and hard infinitely.

blue_royal @ 2004-07-24T02:50:00

2004-07-24T07:51:48Z

I think I found a doc, Patrick McNamara. I'll have to call him on Monday to see whats up. I've grown a little afro thats about two inches thick. I'm not going to take a picture of it because I feel its too small. Its nothing to be proud of right now. Man I'm hungry, but if I want something to eat, I'll have to go out and get it. The only thing thats open at this time of the night is Whataburger. I think I'll just wait until tomorrow morning to get something. What I'm craving is McDonald's bagel steak breakfast combo meal...ooh yeaaah.

I feel like I'm not alive yet; that my life wont begin until I'm on T. I also feel that thats a fucked up feeling. Its true though.

I feel like a hypocrite in so many ways

2004-07-22T05:58:59Z

I have just uploaded one of my scariest user pics. I'm still debating on whether or not I should just take it down or leave it up. I guess I will let it stay up for a couple of days, to see if it will grow on me.

Work wasn't so bad today. This new operator chick at my job invited me to come to her house to chill and knock down a few beers together. I think that was a booty call. She asked for my number and told me to expect a call from her on saterday, since we are both off on that day. She is a hot latina babe. I'm definitly going to kick it with her. I think my only problem with her is that she is a size 1. I'm not that big on small girls. I'm afraid I might crush them or something. The only reason why I know her size is because she wanted to try on some jeans, but being the operator she couldn't leave the fitting room, where her little operator's station is located, so I willingly picked them up for her in exchange for some of her goodies in her goodie bag.

blue_royal @ 2004-07-21T03:43:00

2004-07-21T08:44:24Z

I was extremely angry over some stupid shit that happened at work today and how I reacted to it. I don't feel like going into detail about it. All I can say is, that immediately after coming home from work, I had to go for a long jog to take my mind off of what I was mad at. I'm still thinking about it so I guess the exercise didn't work to erase this shit from my brain, but I'm not as angry as I was before.

Today I saw my therapist and he has agreed to write my letter as soon as I find a doctor willing to prescribe testosterone to me. I thought it would be a super simple task because I had already had a place in mind where I could find one. It turns out though, that the place I had wished to go to, the Montrose Clinic in Houston, has stopped offering hormone therapy to transgendered patients. What the fuck is up with that?

blue_royal @ 2004-07-16T00:50:00

2004-07-16T05:51:54Z

I guess I'll post today. I'm tired and I'd like to get drunk. I didn't do much today. I went to Barnes and Noble and spent about four hours there reading an entire book called Adam's Curse, a book basically about how the author came to the conclusion that men are headed for extinction. In reading this book I learned quite a few interesting facts. For instance, the Y chromosome is not needed entirely to turn on the sex characteristics of males. Its actually this gene called the SRY which is usually, but not always, located in the DNA of the Y chromosome that is responsible for turning a fetus male. Yep, thats my idea of having fun on my day off.

blue_royal @ 2004-07-11T02:00:00

2004-07-11T07:01:37Z

I'm in a pretty shitty mood right now. I hate the world and the life that I live. I feel like a worthless piece of crap and I will continue to feel like that until I get a nice solid grip on my life. I've been thinking more about just buying t online without a script until I get the letter of recommendation from my therapist. My reason for wanting to start t as soon as possible is so that I can pass easier when I start working at the target I'm gonna transfer to. What I'm gonna do is start myself on a low dose and get all of the necessary tests done to make sure my body is working properly, at the montrose clinic in houston.

blue_royal @ 2004-07-08T01:48:00

2004-07-08T06:49:29Z

I feel like I have something to live for, yet whatever that something is, I'm ignorant of it.

I'm done with this. I'd like to go find myself now.

I couldn't help myself...

2004-06-16T02:56:59Z

How to make a blue_royal

Ingredients:

1 part anger

3 parts brilliance

5 parts leadership

Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little lustfulness if desired!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

blue_royal @ 2004-06-01T01:00:00

2004-06-01T06:01:17Z

I have a date tomorrow with a very fine girl I met at school a while back. Shit. I gotta get a hair cut, pick out something to wear, and clean out my car. My car is super junky. I still have school papers scattered all over the seats and floor. I don't have anything nice to wear thats clean..damn! I'm going to be a very busy guy tomorrow.

blue_royal @ 2004-05-31T16:15:00

2004-05-31T21:16:05Z

Last night I was not sure if I were depressed or...I dont know. Now I think I know whats going with my body. Its the damn Strattera I'm taking for my A.D.D.

I need to feel...what?..I don't know...just anything.

2004-05-31T04:39:50Z

My appetite is completely gone. I've lost 10lbs in 12 days. Thats bad. I have to force myself to eat the little crap I do eat. Today I had a bowl of cereal and about half an 8oz bag of Sour Patch Kids. Not only has my appetite demished I feel empty. I have this constant feeling of being deprived of stimilation of anything. I feel somewhat numb or emotionless--I think apathetic would be the name for it-- except when I talk to Her. She is the young telephone operator at my job. Her personality seems to wake me up; I feel so comfy with her. She brings out the flirt in me. I guess I need a woman in my life to lighten up things.

I'm not shallow.

2004-05-29T07:30:34Z

My latest obsession:the monkey's mask

Its not like I've never seen a movie with middle aged lesbians geting it on before. Wait..I haven't and I'm kinda in awe about the fact that I liked what I saw. Its really intriguing to me that I found the older blond woman to be attractive. I'm not agiest or anything...its just that this was a rarity for me. Senescence was clearly visible on the 47 year old Kelly McGillis, who played the bisexual poetry teacher, but that didn't stop her from being a total turn on to me. I didn't even figure it out until I watched the movie the 4th or 5th time, that I found this woman to be hot. Yeah, I'm slow. I wonder if she had any cosmetic surgery on her face. I know her breasts were fake. Well atleast I think they were...hmmm..

I'm normally not this open, but lately I've been feeling kinda confident.

2004-05-27T09:07:35Z

As far as my sexual orientation and gender goes, I'm not really sure. Right now I feel like a mixture of everything if that makes any sense...it doesnt. Its comfusing, but then again I'm glad to be able to feel so many things. I'm gay, lesbian, queer, transgendered, and even straight in a queer sense of being. I like girls, women, females...such beautiful creatures. I'm attracted to men only if they view me as male, though I'll pick a woman over a man always, atleast I think so. Despite labeling myself as ftm, there is a feminine side to me that is never acted on in a physical sense. Its hard to explain but I know its there, I just don't feel like it all the time. I often forget or even deny that part of myself. I deny it because I'm female bodied and being femme just doesn't seem to match how I see myself. What I see in my head is a masculine body a with a femme and butch personality, yet not all at once. God I sound confusing. I just can't explain the person I feel like. Is it possible to be a lesbian with a beard?..some sort of lesbian man, perhaps?

blue_royal @ 2004-05-24T01:59:00

2004-05-24T06:59:48Z

I'm killing my eyes with these four month old contacts. I'm such a lazy fuck. I should take them out and poke some new ones in, or better yet, give my eyes a one day rest from them. Fuck..I thought I had a reason for posting. I like using the word "fuck", despite the fact that it rarely comes out of my mouth. I could talk about my life, how I've tortured myself in this way and that. But I don't want to though. What do I want to write about then?

I had this day dream about myself, in which I'm fully transitioned. Man I hate that word. "Transition" I wish I did not have to do it. I wish I were already there. But anyways, back to the day dream. I'm an athletic, soccer playing guy, full of energy and charm, who desides to go back to the city from which I grew up in. My plan is to make this girl, whom I've had a crush on in highschool, fall in love with me. My plan is quite simple. I find her. I talk to her. I take her on a date and then from there she realizes she loves me and we live happily ever after.

The psychologist that diagnosed me with A.D.D. told me that I needed to start meditating, to help reduce stress. I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow, outside. The only thing is, I don't know how to meditate. I've never done it before. What does one do when they do it? I guess I could get a book on it or run a search on it.

I still hate school.

2004-05-14T05:23:22Z

I did ok this spring term. I thought I would get all D's but instead I received all B's and one A.

I told my dad, yesterday, about my need for a roommate and he surprised the poop out of me by offering to let me live with him at his apartment, in Dallas. I don't know if I should. I don't want anyone to come in the way of my transition. I have talked to him about my wish to take hormones and he suggested that I wait until I'm 27. But that was like two years ago. Right now I feel like I'm very close to getting my letter of recommendation for testosterone, despite the fact that I have only been to two sessions...haha. I don't want to have to switch therapists because of the move. I think it would be too time consuming to have to go through however long it takes for the new therapist to get to the point where he/she thinks I'm ready to receive my letter. Its too much of a hassle. I'm not even sure if my dad will be ok with me transitioning in his presense. I guess I'll have to talk to him about that if I make up my mind to live with him.

Tomorrow at 3:00pm I get tested for A.D.D.

wow!

2004-05-08T21:28:20Z

I just found this cool site called roommates.com. I just became a member and I've already emailed about 5 people who meet my preferences.

blue_royal @ 2004-05-01T20:08:00

2004-05-02T01:09:30Z

this journal is now friends only

blue_royal @ 2004-04-26T21:27:00

2004-04-27T02:29:15Z

School sucks. Even though I have one more week, it seems as if time is going by very slowly like snail speed.

blue_royal @ 2004-04-24T23:29:00

2004-04-25T04:29:52Z

I'm such a a lazy bastard. I'm not signing up for summer classes. Naw I just need to relax this summer.

Why is it so difficult for me to commit to things. I always say I'm going to do something that I desperately need to do and I never do it. If its really important, then maybe I will, but only at the very last minute

Man I will be so glad when school is over. Then I can start lookin for an apartment and a roommate.

tipsy

2004-04-22T07:35:25Z

I hate drinking because when I drink I'm myself. I'm honest, I'm real...real drunk and unabashed. Wuz that last word used right?..I don't really care. I don't really hate being myself, so I guess I don't really hate drinking...haha. that was funny. I gotta be up in four hours. Two really, if I want to get my homework finished before I arrive to school. The chances of me getting up in two hours is slim, if I go to bed now. The changes of me oversleeping is gargantuan. I'd have to say that Miller is skunky--I'll never waste my money on that shit again-- but smirnoff twisted green apple is g double o d good....hell yeah. I got a letter from the therpaist, that was assigned to me. It basically told me that he had tried to contact me two times but failed and that I have two weeks to make up an appointment with him or....I forgot. So right after school I'm gonna call his ass amd make an appointment for this week or next week and I'm gonna call danja boi oh wait I don't have his numba. I have his old house numba but he don't live there no mo. What is a boy supposed to do. And I'm gunna call this other dude who is a pimp...he knows who he is. Fuck interviews, thank goodness I have something else I can do instead of them, like a 57 page life-span work book. Its so much easier because I don't have to rely on others to complete it. Yippe. So far I've got about 11 more pages to do cuz I spent all yesterday and today fucking with it. I still have to do a monologue though but I'm not worried, cuz I got tha Fear. The Fear of failing that is. Well thats it. I'm gonna go back to watching tv and drinkin.

ps kiakaha, you are so fuckin paranoid; you need to relax.

blue_royal @ 2004-04-19T02:43:00

2004-04-19T07:43:37Z

I make my life hard.

blue_royal @ 2004-04-17T03:45:00

2004-04-17T08:46:22Z

On monday I went to the Montrose Counseling Center in Houston for my intake and I was very pleased. I didn't have to go into detail about what I was there for because they already knew about it since they've had plenty of people come to them with GID. Now I'm just waiting for them to call me back so that we can setup an appointment with the actual therapist that they assigned to me. They said that I should get a call within two weeks. I think thats rather long but oh well. I don't really care.